Correspondence

Dear Woolworth’s Trolley Boy,

You may want to reconsider your policy of being a smart mouthed prick to your employer’s customers who don’t find the shouted conversation you were having with your mate who was standing at the other end of the store about who had the bluest balls from not getting ‘any’ charming.

This particular customer will think nothing of complaining to your manager then staring right back at you when you and your friend try to stare her down and smirk at her in the car park after she comes back out of the store.

She does not find that behaviour at all intimidating but merely childish and will lodge a second complaint next time she is in the store.

Best wishes for your future unemployment

Irate customer

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Dear Telstra

Please note that if customers agree to pay your exorbitant prices for your so called ‘premium service’ that they expect premium service. They do not expect you to neglect to make notes on their files about payment arrangements causing you to disconnect their phone services two days after they have moved and to then get phone calls a week later about their overdue bill because yet again notes about payment arrangements were not entered onto their file.

Get your act together!

REALLY Irate Customer

PS – you need more customer service people who can actually speak english. Just a little tip. It may help.

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Dear fire brigade,

I can not fulfill your repeated requests for writing letters or printing up certificates if the treasurer will not buy me a printer cartridge for my printer. I do not expect the brigade to purchase every cartridge I use as I also use the printer for personal printing, but I do expect it to buy every second or third one and I don’t appreciate being stuffed around for a month or longer trying to get one because the treasurer only wants to buy refilled cartridges which cannot be bought locally.

Further I do not see why I cannot just be given a cheque to go buy the goddam cartridge myself  given that I am  signatory on the goddam cheque book!

You’d better have my replacement lined up for the AGM on the 20th

Sincerely,

Your soon to be ‘ex’ secretary

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Dear Nice SIL A

While I appreciate that you have small  children who get up at sparrow’s fart every day and 9am is mid morning to you, our children are older and have learnt to sleep in a little allowing us to also enjoy that luxury.

Your 9am txt messages to your brother only ever awaken me while he continues to snore his head off and continue his adventures in lala land oblivious to your need for someone to share a cup of coffee with or a place to go and smoke in secret where your husband will not accidentally bust you.

11am is mid morning to us. Just so you know.

Your loving and patient, but not a morning person sis in law

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Dear fake friend of CJ’s,

I was serious in that note I gave CJ to give you to you today about calling the police if you do not immediately return the few hundred dollars worth of CD’s that she loaned to you early last term.

You have been stuffing her around with excuses for at least 2 months now and while your parents may not care what you do with your possessions, we care what our children do with theirs and cannot afford to write off that kind of money.

Besides, the fact that they ‘accidently’ got packed while you are preparing to move to the gold coast soon tells me that you had no intention of returning them.

Welcome to your criminal career

CJ’s irate and fed up Mum

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Dear CJ

Please don’t loan your possessions to your friends again without permission.

And the line between cute and annoying? You need to learn where it is.

Until then please pay attention when I tell you that you are annoying me and stop immediately because while your father may get away with pushing that boundary, I have the power to ground you and take away your privileges.

your loving and patient  but annoyable Mum

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Dear TJ,

We do not always have to read Beast Quest or Deltora Quest books.

We have a whole bookcase full of books that you would also enjoy if you would give them half a chance.

How about we try Treasure Island? Or Gulliver’s Travels? Or Tom Sawyer?

Please?

Your loving and patient but bored silly Mum

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Dear Miss Lou,

Being the eldest does not mean that you have to do everything first or last.

It does not entitle you to first dibs on the computer or Wii. It does not entitle you to argue with me about who is having their shower first or last when the other children are busy doing their chores and I’m trying to get everyone through the shower in a timely fashion.

Also 9:30pm bedtime on school nights means that at 9:30pm you go to bed.

Not at 10pm, not at 10:30 pm and certainly not at 11pm.

Bedtime is not your cue to announce that you have homework, need to check your emails or to raid the kitchen and fill up on apple juice, apple pie, leftover tea or toast either. It is for going to bed. If you need to do homework you should do it in the afternoon, if you need to use the computer you should do it in the afternoon and if you are still hungry perhaps you could have snack at 9pm or 9:15pm instead.

Your loving and patient, but tired Mum

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Dear Husband,

While I appreciate your decision to finally step back into your parental role and discipline your children after your recent absences, the decision to ban the young boy from football for stomping his feet when being asked to do a chore was just a little over the top.

I need him to have an outlet for his aggressive side so that he does less stomping in the house especially when you aren’t here half the damn week.

Enjoy the first day of football tomorrow.

Your loving and patient but somewhat harried wife

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